i really wish sometimes that i could just get over it. if i got over it, it wouldn't hurt me so much. what i've learned, though, is that five years don't just go away. it's so hard to unlearn something that you've spent countless hours teaching yourself. i spent all my teenage years thinking i wasn't good enough, and hoping that someone would see how much it hurt and finally help me. and now that i've found my favorite physician's assistant of all time and am taking all these stupid pills, i finally have what i've wanted for a way long time and it hasn't changed anything. not emotionally, at least. i still feel worthless most of the time, and now wonder how a certain person could ever really see past it. i mean, how could anyone ever really see me?
the only thing that makes me feel better when i'm really upset is thinking about how i felt when i was with the ex-boyfriend. i never saw in him what he hated about himself. not ever. and i think that's why i stayed with him so long; i hoped he'd return the favor and love me regardless.
goddamn, i have some fixing to do.
1 comment:
"i never saw in him what he hated about himself. not ever. and i think that's why i stayed with him so long; i hoped he'd return the favor and love me regardless"
That's a really profound and helpful thought. Thanks for sharing
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