and the countdown to february begins

i don't think i ever realized how much i've come to depend on the accutane until the last couple of days, when i couldn't get my prescription filled due to the insane run-around and hadn't taken any pills for six days (i still haven't). so much of myself has been wrapped up in this being a miracle drug (because, thus far, it has been). it makes me physically sick that even though i'm doing everything i should and not doing everything i shouldn't and am taking all the tests i should and calling all the right people, i'm still getting owned. it makes me freak out because i can't understand why the doctor and the pharmacist and my parents can't just let me have it (by doing whatever's in their power to get it to me). i know that probably sounds stupid and selfish and ridiculous, but i swear, so much of my happiness is tied to the idea of my getting rid of this skin issue once and for all, and i can't handle the prospect of my progress being stalled or reversed because of some fucking stupid things that are completely out of my control. my mom told me just now on the phone that i need to stop "expecting everyone to do everything for me," which only served to get me really angry at her, because i've asked her to do nothing for me except pick up the medication, because i'm not physically able to do it (seeing as i live in westwood). i don't even ask her to empathetic, even though that would really nice.

i'm kinda a wreck.

bureaucracy black hole

today, at work, two completely unrelated callers thought my name was "bev". that's pretty impressive, considering my name sounds nothing like that.

my eyes are all crazed because i've been wearing my contacts and pissing them off and drying them out.

random question: have you ever overheard someone chewing and thought to yourself that they must have at least two sets of teeth, because there are crazy foreign sounds coming from their jaws? because that happened to me today, and i had those thoughts, and it scared me.

i had a really fun time last night trying to get the results of my second negative pregnancy test to my doctor in my hometown. ashe doesn't fax test results (and also doesn't print them out, according to the nurse i saw yesterday, which was a total lie, considering i was handed a print out last week when i got my first monthly blood test - the nurse last night insisted on emailing the results to me). my doctor at home doesn't have an email address (according to his nurses, which again, i think was bull because how could he not have an email address?), so i couldn't just send the results to him that way. i was stonewalled into having to find a printer (to access the results) and a fax machine (to send the results) on campus yesterday before 5 pm. i left ashe empty-handed at 4:30 pm. i raced to powell to print out the email, only to discover that all the labs were being used for classes. and that's when i freaked out and called my mom, because i was so utterly frustrated with my life. i stood in the middle of campus, and willed myself not to burst into tears. it's such a terrible thing to get jerked around like that. to quote a text message i sent mad, i felt like "punching everyone i came into contact with right in the face."

the best part is that when i did eventually get to print out and fax the results (this morning, because i was on campus until 11 last night), all they said was "pregnancy test negative negative" (i'm doubly infertile, i guess). that was a whole lot of bullshit for four words. sad.

coneheads

i told myself that i wasn't going to buy any food on campus today, but then i broke down and had lunch with udeitha. my hunger strike only lasted thirteen hours. i blame the blood test i had to have this morning. i hate those so much.

yesterday, i had my monthly dermatologist appointment, and even though everything appeared perfectly fine at the doctor's office, i wasn't able to get my prescription filled at the pharmacy. apparently, my having my original blood test (and therefore, my pregnancy test) six days before my appointment was a no-no, because i could have gotten preggers in those six days, thus nullifying the test. there are several irritating consequences to that ridic rule:

1) i couldn't have my prescription filled before i came back down to LA last night, and that's sad because i haven't had any pills for four days already, and it's stressing me out not to have a constant med flow in my bloodstream.

2) i had to get another blood test, to prove to these crazes that i didn't conceive a child during thanksgiving dinner. and i hate blood tests. i don't think i need to go into that. previous posts should have demonstrated this.

3) and, finally, i need to find a way to fax these updated results to my doctor at home, because ashe, in all of its shining glory, doesn't fax test results.

once again, accutane has owned me. i really shouldn't knock it, though, because the results are so incredible. also, i guess i sorta understand why the pharmaceutical companies are so militant about the pregnancy issue. women on accutane have babies with coneheads and wide set eyes and mental/physical disabilities, and that's pretty frightening.

tonight, i need to start studying for the research methods test i have on monday. it will officially be the first school work i've done in about a week. i guess i have the thanksgiving break excuse, but my laziness has gotten way out of control. i need to reign it in.

izzy

when clay was little, i spearheaded a "get a bearded dragon" campaign, thinking it would be a) cool to have a lizard, and b) a good way to win my little brother's heart. as it turned out, buying izzy accomplished neither of those goals. in actuality, my brother didn't think it was that amazing to have a reptile in a cage and this particular lizard creeps the shit out of me. since i've been living in the apartment (and have no bed at home), my mom has moved the giant lizard cage into my room where my bed frame used to be. i've been sitting in here for about an hour not doing the work i was supposed to do, and just turned around to find that izzy had climbed out her glass prison and is lounging balanced on the edge of one of the sides. staring at me out of the backs of her eyes. yes, the backs of her eyes.



it's good that she's coldblooded and can't move until i decided to (never) turn on her heat lamp.

i'm not sure exactly why she upsets me so much. i'm not particularly afraid of reptiles. i think i just get the vibe that she may in fact be plotting against me all the time, and that's a smidge disturbing. plus, she's always glaring at me through her half open jurassic-age eyelids, and i can't handle that.

by fog or by stream

nothing exciting happened today. i spent a long time looking for a printer with my grandpa and clay, and my grandpa asked me the age-old question: "do you want a fog or a stream?", referring, as only he could, to the pepper spray he wants to buy me to keep me safe in the terribly dangerous part of west los angeles i call home. i told him i didn't want any, but if experience has taught me anything, it's that saying no only makes it more fun for him to just do what he wants anyway.

i decided, sadly, that i shouldn't get my nose pierced until after i finish the accutane. i probably shouldn't wound my face while my skin is way fragile and not healing correctly. i think it's irritating that the scratch i've had on the back of my hand for two and a half weeks isn't going away - i can't imagine what it would be like to get a piercing right now. this realization comes a mere few days after i found a perfectly nice, reputable place to have it done. i'm going to add it to the list of things to do post-meds, which now includes shopping, full-time contacts wearing, massage, nose piercing, and a ceremonial burning of the creams.

i bogarted a copy of one of sam's masterpieces and am finally going to put one up in my room.

i've eaten way too much this weekend. i guess maybe my body figured out that this will be the only time in the next three weeks that i'll have access to normal food/any food at all.

i'm exhausted. the past four days totally drained me. i had a blast, but still, i'm way tired.

populare

yesterday, i became a social butterfly.

i had coffee with shiza and we filled each other in on the last two and a half months of our lives. i miss her so much when i'm at school. she really is, to quote her, "the sister i never had." in fact, the other day, i was telling one of mad's friends about this annoying conversation i'd had with shiza, and the friend said, "oh, you were talking to your sister?" we ended up at the mall, where i bought a dress i won't be able to wear until next summer because the weather has finally figured out that it's november and has stopped being way hot.

after shiza went home to hang out with her fam, i went out to oak park to see potter (i know way too many steves), who i don't think i'd seen or spoken to since the last year or two of high school. we hiked up to the top of a hill (where there used to be a couch and where i'd last hung out with him and ashley and leah), and ate torilla chips and had a theological discussion about how he feels about his religion and how i feel about my lack thereof. also, i got about fifteen thousand missed phone calls from the boys and matt, which made me feel really popular and loved.

next, i went to matt's house, where i saw guthrie for the first time in forever and re-met matt's brother. i'm happy to be talking to them again. they're hilarious and amazing and i think i could just listen to matt talk for hours about nonsense and be endlessly entertained. i stayed there for just long enough to be offered crappy spiced rum by a guy who was faded out of his mind, and then i left to go to the beach house to meet denis and weil.

the beach house was awesome, as always, and i didn't leave until 11:30 this morning, when i rocked out to beatles' music all the way back to my house.

today, i went shopping with my mom and saw some guy sniffing deodorants, one after the other. that was interesting. i also met up with matt and dan again and hiked around the santa monica mountains for about a half hour and ate pizza and had a fab time. i'm looking forward to winter break, when i can be back home, hanging out and being ridiculous (my two favorite things).

it's way cold in my house, of course, because it's always subzero in here. my mom likes to tell me that i need to "wear some clothes" whenever i tell her i'm freezing, but i'm wearing several layers and boots right now and i'm still cold. and i'm inside.

thanksgiving

i came to the conclusion tonight that i have so much to be thankful for. yeah, i know. thanks for the cliche. but this afternoon, when everyone was here at the house, i realized that three of the people i love the most in the world survived really intense disasters this year, and that they are still around and safe makes me so grateful. my dad's dad was hospitalized this past summer, and all the family went down to pasadena because we were all positive that he wasn't going to make it out of that place. my great-aunt survived breast cancer this spring, and is still growing out her hair. and last week, my grandma, my mom's mom and the most wonderful woman i know, was hit in her car by a semi truck on the freeway and ended up against the median facing the opposite direction. i listened to her talk about it tonight, and while it makes a good story because she's perfectly fine, i got really freaked out and weepy because i can't even begin to think what would have happened had she not miraculously missed hitting any other cars on her tailspin across four lanes of traffic. i guess it's a little sick that something so awful must make me aware of how much i love these people, but it's true - it did.

before i got all pensive and sad, i hung out with sam and clay and showed my grandpa my new computer, because he's a "mac person" and is way excited that now i am too.

clay told me that he's "thankful for shame," whatever the hell that means.

i took a ton of stupid pictures of me and clay, which is pretty much my m.o. at every family function.

i told my grandmas about this blog, because we were talking about memories and journals and the like, and then i remembered how i write this thing, and instantly regretted mentioning it.

my great-aunt told me to apply for a job at tiffany's in beverly hills, where she just started working, and when i told her that i'm far too lame to work on rodeo, she said, and i quote, "well, you'd work in the back."

and, finally, we did indeed have ocean spray canned cranberry sauce which, despite being way less gourmet than the other stuff we had, is still by far the tastiest.

also, today was a good hair day, so i have that too.

clax

this morning, i sat with clay on the floor of his room and he showed me the letter and keychain he'd gotten from donating twenty dollars to a martin luther king jr. foundation. they couldn't read his writing, i guess, because they addressed the letter to "clax," which is way hysterical. i cannot believe how old he looks. i think it's safe to say that i have to stop treating him like a baby.

also, he looked at me at said, "you have serious bags under your eyes," and that's always an adorable thing to have your little brother say to you. i then went on to explain that i'd gone to bed at 4 am last night and that i was going to look gorgeous for our thanksgiving dinner and that he was going to regret ever saying such a terrible thing to his most beautiful of siblings.

prepare to be amazed

these are unnecessary, but amazing:

how many sticks does it take?

this morning, i went to get my blood drawn at ashe. apparently, i'm allowed to stroll in there whenever i damn well please to get stuck with needles. yipee! i went during my hour break between classes, and was really nervous that i was going to be waiting for the majority of it and then have to leave before getting anything accomplished. however, i got into a room really quickly, and then, within two minutes, the needle technicianS came in. i suppose there is always a price to pay at ashe, and you settle your debt with time or with pain. because i got in there so fast, i had to be injured by a nurse in training. it was pretty awesome. i've already catalog'd how impossibly dormant my veins are, so i won't go into it, but i will say that this guy, who was being shadowed by a seemingly older, wiser man, stuck me and said the same words i've heard many a time: "oh, it must have rolled on me," implying that he wasn't getting any blood out and would have to do an under-the-skin mine sweep. he did, and still, no luck.

right after he failed to draw my blood, he and his mentor unceremoniously kicked me out of the room and told me to go upstairs to the lab, where they'd try again with my other arm. this next guy still had trouble (my left arm is even more difficult than my right), but he eventually hit pay dirt and drained me of (some of) my lifeblood. gross.

on my way out of ackerman (i'd gone to get some trail mix, water, orbit, and a nutri-grain bar, my basic food essentials, to sooth myself after the harrowing blood draw), i ran into cory, who looks so completely different now that he's cut off his hair/shaved his face. we ended up hanging out on bruinwalk before my class (i had time to spare! despite going to two different locations in ashe!), and eating trail mix and sharing some deep thoughts. it should be abundantly clear by now to the handful of you who read this blog that i really love deep thoughts.

i'm going home tonight. before that, i have to finish work, go get my eyebrows threaded (which hurts and is also at the same time the coolest thing i've ever seen), pack, eat, sign up for next quarter's classes, and wait for gilmore to come pick me up on his way home from san diego.

i'm actually getting calls at work and that makes me upset.

odyessy

it's a rough life sometimes. right now, i'm at work, with no phone calls to answer, having just played phone tag with a woman who got progressively less friendly each time we had to call each other back. also, i'm wearing a way-big sweater that is cozy and bright yellow and awesome, but is also way too huge. i hate feeling shleppy. i'd rather look put together and adorable all the time. who wouldn't? unfortunately, i'm at the point where i hate every piece of clothing i own (something that happens every couple of months or so).

my mom told me last night that my dad's parents are coming to our thanksgiving this year. that's good news. my grandpa got really, really sick over the summer and was in the hospital for weeks, prompting my grandma to say the saddest thing i've ever heard: "i've never lived by myself, and i hope i never do." he's much better now and i haven't seen him since he was laying immobile in a hospital bed, so it will be really good to see him.

mad and i played guess who? in the middle of the night. it's part of our "screw school until thanksgiving" plan. the only problem with this plan is that we do still have class and work and responsibilities, so staying up way late to ask, "does your person have terribly googley eyes?" is kinda a bad idea, because then we're exhausted during the day (like i am right now).

i'm dyeing my hair again today. it's been an odyessy, but i know what color i want it to be, and i will not rest until i have achieved said color. also, matte dark brown/black is not working for me.

i hate the ashe center, and i have to go back tomorrow. actually, i hope i can go back tomorrow because i need my blood test for my accutane appointment next tuesday. i haven't made my appointment for ashe yet. oops. i'm relying same-day appointment opportunities. maybe i won't get owned.

because i thought i might get my blood test done today, i didn't eat anything at all and now i'm fading fast. i want a baja burrito so badly. i should buy stock in that place because i'm always there. at least if i owned a small part of it, i could convince myself that all the money i spend on beans and rice was actually coming back to me.

crumbs and conversations

i just had the coolest conversation with my dad. it was actually the most at-ease talk i've had with him in a very long time, possibly ever. we've always gotten along pretty well, but tonight i was actually able to tell him about some things that have been weighing on me (and are way privatetown and can't be shared online) and we had a real discussion about it all. a hilarious discussion that really helped me. i'm glad he's happy now, because for a while after he switched jobs, he was weird and distant. i think maybe the best way to sum it up would be to say that we talked to each other like we were peers or equals or something. my mom and i have pretty much always acted more like friends than like a parent and child, and so it was nice to feel that same way talking to my dad.

also, i just ate all the crumbs out of the bottom of a torilla chip bag because i don't have any other food and haven't had a real meal all day.

i'm getting baja tomorrow even though it's money i don't have to spend because this not eating real food epidemic must be stopped.

my braincase hurts

i have an incredible headache right now. i need to start eating during the day.

it was really beautiful when i walked home this afternoon. it had been way hot earlier, but it was breezy and wonderful by the time i was done with class. there are some times when i really appreciate existing.

my favorite thing to do these days is check out the personals on craigslist. mad says that i'm a huge asshole for getting joy from all the weirdoes who post ads, but they honestly made me so happy.

also, my entire body is rebelling against me, just in time for thanksgiving, when i get to see all my family and all the east-coasters. i'm officially not able to wear my contacts (which i've been doing daily for several weeks, aided by eye drops), my eczema's back, and i'm scaly. i'm so ready to be done, and i have two more months.

i'm so happy to be going home this weekend. i think i need it. as much as being home drives me crazy sometimes, i love my family and can't wait to hang out with them.

i'm going to eat some more carrots and try to nurse my head back to normal.

in progress

i'm in the process of slowly writing my anthro paper, and i'm really scared of it. i don't want to do poorly on it (again), so i'm way stressed out. oh, what a difference a day makes. i have a lot of it done already. in fact, i could just slap a conclusion on it and print it out, but i'm going to let it just stay open on my computer staring at me until i can figure out if it's good enough or what i can do to fix it.

having gilmore over last night was so much fun. mad came home really drunk from an a capella party and kept calling him "matt", which was hilarious. also, i finally got to take a shot (or five) with andy for his birthday. we all (meaning mad, andy, gilmore and i) ended up in my bedroom, being funny and cracking up. gilmore and i fell asleep on my bed and when i woke up this morning, he had vanished. i got really nervous because the front door was locked and he wasn't on the futon or in the bathroom or out on the patio. i can't really say what i thought might have happened to him, but i was nervous anyway. as a last ditch effort, i opened the door to andy's room and found gilmore curled up at the foot of andy's bed, sleeping with andy. (p.s.: andy just told me he was sleeping naked last night. i felt that that added some spice to my story). it was only 7:30 this morning, but i woke mad up and laughed hysterically about it for about fifteen minutes.

mad and me, during the hilarity:

(i like this one because, among other things, my hair looks the color i wanted it to).

my mom said something offensive to me last night. she told me that my not having a boyfriend right now is detrimental to my growing up and that i am "missing out on something that is vital to being a well-rounded person." i've always known that it really upsets my mom and my grandparents that i'm always talking about guys i hang out with and yet never sealing myself to them for the rest of my life, but it was the first time she'd actually come right out and said that she thought it was a problem. the thing that makes me most upset about the conversation i had with her is that she knows why i'm a relationship saboteur, and she lived it herself when she was my age, and i can't believe her sometimes when she acts like i'm a fat baby for thinking the acne is a big deal. and, to be way dramatic, she shouldn't expect me to have had "normal" relationships recently when i didn't feel like a normal person for a very long time. maybe i can't articulate how irritating and bitchy i thought it was, but let's suffice to say i did in fact think it was irritating and bitchy.

motivational speaker

despite the total dye disaster yesterday, i'm actually really content right now. so much so that i'm not at all upset/nervous about the paper i have to write by monday. i just spent a few hours reading the articles i'm supposed to write about, and i'm thinking it might be ok. i'm way motivated about this paper in particular because of how wonderfully (read: shitty) i did on the last paper for this anthro class.

apparently, winter is the worst time to be on accutane. the dryness of the world compounded with the fact that my body is producing no moisture creates a very, very unfortunate situation. i'm learning this the hard way.

gilmore is coming down here tonight, and is going to stay here before he leaves for san diego tomorrow morning. i'm really excited to see him, because he is truly one of my favorite people. he can consistently make me feel better, no matter what the problem is. when we're both at school, i don't get to talk to him nearly enough.

i'm going to shower and try to wash out some of this hair color so that i may eventually get what i paid (ten dollars) for.

i lose

i just tried to dye my hair again, and it was a completely unsuccessful attempt. it's supposed to be purple-y right now, but is actually just way dark brown. darker brown than it already was. that's disappointing.

in three minutes, i have to leave for work. i think i'm working a soccer game or something.

i'll report more when there's more to report.

paper cut

it always makes me beam when i tell people about the flying squirrel and they know what i'm talking about. i was just talking to jose at work about the onion and about how the flying squirrel is based on it, and he said, "oh yeah! i've heard of that!" and it made me way excited.

i'm supposed to go get coffee with ben later today so that i can read his new story. i'm looking forward to that because i love reading/writing/coffee. and maybe i like hanging out with ben too. maybe. i'm glad he's not still peeved at me for calling him "jaded and old" last wednesday night when we were all talking about relationships. that was a weird night, in a way, because everyone was being way honest and open about themselves, but not in a cohesive way. we were all just opening our heartsouls under the guise of a real conversation, so i think everyone left feeling kinda bizarre.

my research methods paper is actually way close to be done. i have a few more things to fix, and i plan on doing that when i'm back at work today at 2 (i'm currently wasting away the last twenty minutes of my morning shift). i may be able to do food not bombs tonight, if i get all my shit done.

also, i got owned yesterday by my anthropology paper (the stupid one i didn't care about a few weeks ago). owned. it was truly the first time in my life that i've gotten a shiesty grade on a paper. amazing. it's made even more amazing by the fact that i'm going to have to write another one for that same class (same format and everything) by monday. and this time, i'm actually going to have to care, and that's the worst part. (thankfully, though, i did way awesome on the midterm, so the paper won't screw my grade too much).

the planet jew

i just got hardcore sassed by a woman on the phone at work. hardcore. observe:

customer: do you have any shows the weekend after christmas?
me: you mean, after the 24th? (referring to the fact that there is a show on the 24th)
customer: christmas is the 25th! not the 24th!
me: yeah, i know. it's just that we have a show ---
customer: i was gonna say, what planet are you from?!?

she didn't say it in a funny, teasing way. she seemed geniunely shocked that i'd mentioned christmas eve, and not christmas day. she even did one of those stupid, "i'm-talking-to-an-imbecile" chuckles.

how dare i even insinuate that i don't know the date of christ's birth. how dare i indeed.

(i should do a one-woman show, and just act out all the ridiculous things people have said to me at this job. i have a feeling that the ridiculousness is something that must be experienced in full before it is understood).

secrets do make friends

this has been by far the most lax day of work i've had here. in two hours, i've gotten four calls. i've basically just been reading "middlesex" and feeling kinda useless.

i like learning things about people. i think that might be why i talk about myself so goddamn much. i always secretly hope that my openness will inspire the same in the people i hang out with or talk to. also, it makes me feel instantly closer to someone when i know we're being honest with each other. that's probably why i'm fabulous at making guys my friends, and not so fabulous at making them my boyfriends, lame as that sounds. i am not a mystery, and i probably never will be. i'm bringing all this up because a friend of mine told me something about himself (yes, another guy friend) that made me immediately understand him. it was amazing how quickly i felt like i could really know him, because i now knew something that had really shaped the person he is. i think that's way cool. (sorry about the vaguery, but it's not my "secret" to share).

i'm marketing today, after work. (i'm also going to start calling it "marketing" exclusively). i need some apples and wheat breads and potentially some other healthy alternatives to the five pounds of spaghetti i have calling my name in the refridgerator. i need to stay the hell away from carbs for a while.

a girl and her brumm

i seriously love that picture. it's second only to this one:



which may or may not be the most fabulous thing i've ever seen.

hex

i'm proud of myself. i got a lot of my research methods paper done today, which means less to do tomorrow night, and also means that i have, for once, succeeded in planning ahead. (i'm working on wednesday night and have other shit to do on thursday, and this paper is due on friday).

i feel kinda fever-y and weird, and it saddens me to think that all the germy demons in the world have infected me. it really upsets me to feel less than 100%. i was going to buy some airborne today at ackerman, but i left my debit card in the pocket of the pants i wore yesterday and was therefore unable to purchase any 10,000% vitamin c potions.

today is andy's 21st birthday, and so i was forced to apologize for snipe-ing at him about the mail key yesterday (a story that is too stupid to recall even here, in the hall of stupidity). i think maybe andy and i feel we're allowed to attack each other because we then get over it (and can prepare for the next assault). when dan first moved in with us, he thought we had really unhealthy relationships - andy, mad and i. mostly because we either all get along really well and are hilarious, or are at each other's throats about mail keys and air conditioning. i like us.

i licked peanut butter out of a bowl today. that made me feel disgusting.

maybe andy is a witchdoctor or a warlock or something and is avenging my inability to feel the heat of this apartment by hexing me with a fever. he probably is. because i feel the heat now. except, it's not coming from the "way hot" apartment, but instead from the inside of my own body. well played, andrew. well played.

five pounds of pasta

i saw the whole fam today at jeff's. it was such a good time. i took lots and lots of pictures of my cousin michael's kids and got to see my great-grandma, who is one of the strongest people i know. i can't even imagine what it feels like to have to preface statements with, "well, my friend david's still alive..." because you've outlived everyone you used to know. she also scares me, in a way, because she's so smart and funny and aware and her body is just failing her. she is physically unable to do most of the things that still interest her mentally. for a while, she refused to come to family gatherings because it embarrassed her that she couldn't hear or move around very well, but she's back and i'm so grateful for that.

happenings:
1) my grandpa told me tonight that he's going to get me a decompressed air horn to "wear around my neck" when i walk around at night. that struck me as really hilarious. i would love to see the reactions i'd get from wearing an air horn as a necklace.

2) one of sam's designs got printed on a sweatshirt made by a local clothing company, and i could not be more excited for him. he's a fabulous artist, and the company wants him to design some more for them, which i think is way awesome.

3) my grandma sent me home with pounds of spaghetti after dinner and told me that she was younger, she used to make spaghetti sandwiches (and also, that i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about that).

4) i finally got a hug from my cousin's little daughter, even though she still doesn't know who the hell i am.

5) i ate wayyyy too much today, and now i feel like i gained five pounds.

6) clay is getting really close to being as tall as me. that is sad because i've got nine years on him.

7) alanna told me tonight that she no longer feels that she can call me "acne face", so i guess that the accutane's doing its job. (that being said, my skin's all dry again, which is awesome. i'm going to have such a fantastic party when all of this shit is over.)

8) my dad gave me his new work email address and i'm already thinking of lots of ridiculous, unnecessary emails i'm going to send him.


i look like a goon (shocking, i know), but the kid looks cute.

i need to start my research methods paper. i need to start it now or it will never get done. it sucks when you realize that there are classes in college.

sankai juku

sample phone call at the ticket office:
(and by "sample", i mean factual recount)

me: hi, thank you for calling. how can i help you?
customer: do you have any dance shows this week?
me: dance shows?
customer: yes, dance shows.
me: do you know of any specific name or date for this dance show?
customer (not knowing how incredibly difficult it is to search for "dance shows"): no. i'm just supposed to find a dance show.
me: so no specifics?
customer: no, just a dance show. i need to go for class.
(i look in the computer for any non-specific dance shows).
me: ma'am, i don't believe we have any dance shows this week.
customer: well, what about the sankai juku performance on friday? it says right here on my assignment sheet that i'm supposed to see sankai juku.

and i get to deal with this all day long.

i'm a big laze

michael and sara are down from oregon this weekend, and tomorrow, i'm going to my cousin jeff's to see them and their adorable kids and the rest of my crazy family. i'm excited for michael to read some of the things i've written, because i take his opinions really seriously. also, i think it will be a nice break from all the intensity of being at school, as much as i love it here. being with my family is like being on a different planet, and it's nice to be able to decompress after spending around seven hours at the rose bowl working will call for the football game, like i did today. (it was really fun, actually - we just spent a lot of time talking and hanging out and being harrassed by shitfaced tailgaters).

i'm working tomorrow morning at the phone room, and i'm so tired that the idea of that really makes me sad.

last night, i went to venice with udeitha and beach and a bunch of other people. we ate at c & o's and had the best garlic knots in the entire world. there was a ten dollar minimum per person, so even though i had a late lunch with kenny yesterday, i ordered a huge plate of pasta and now have meals for the next four days. i didn't get my nose pierced, as was the plan, because it was late, and because everyone i talked to told me to stay far away from piercing places in venice. i'm going to be a baby and see if a clarie's around here does nose piercing.

i have a fat paper to write for research methods, and i seriously cannot bear the thought of starting it right now. i keep telling myself i'll start it tomorrow after i get back from the valley and the family party, but i don't know how much more energized i'm going to be after that. it's due this coming friday, and it's a way detailed, apa-style experiment write-up (for an experiment we haven't been assigned yet), and i'm so not interested in doing it.

i'm going to zone out for a little while, and decide if i want to walk up to the other apartments tonight, like i was invited to do. it's far and i'm tired and i don't particularly want to walk back all by myself in the middle of the night.

hard day's night

today was another one of those days when i had absolutely no time to just chill out and breathe for a second. i worked, went to class, worked, worked again an hour later selling tickets for a basketball game, went to bradley international to "help" claire cook for food not bombs (i kinda just hang out with claire), went to food not bombs, and got home and had a fight with andy about how fucking cold he always makes this apartment. (it's subzero outside, and he had the air conditioner turned on in here). it is now 1:30 am, and i'm sitting down for the first time in hours.

i love food not bombs. udeitha came with us tonight, and i love sharing it with other people. it's an amazing thing to say you've done. we get a ton of food donated from restaurants and then take it to santa monica and distribute it to the homeless. when i started last year, it completely erased any stereotypes and misconceptions i had about homelessness and the people who are forced to live it every day. all these people want is to be acknowledged as people, and they are so grateful that, once a week, we come to talk to them and make them feel human again. god, that sounds so trite. the internet isn't a very good conduit of emotion.

this day included two costume changes. i got to wear the outfit i spent too much money on yesterday, when i had to buy "khaki pants and a white polo shirt" for working at athletic events. i went immediately to american eagle, partially because i knew exactly where one was and how to take the bus to it, and partially because i assumed if i couldn't find khaki-colored pants and a polo shirt in american eagle, i was doomed. the most exciting part of the clothing is that i'm officially a size and a half smaller than i was over the summer (and yes, half a size counts).

i got an unexpected call today. i wasn't expecting to talk to him for a really long time. i care about him a lot, i know that. that gets proven to me each time i try to defensively divorce myself from feeling anything at all about the entire situation. suddenly, then, with a phone call, it's back and i'm feeling again and i'm wondering again what's going on. the point is, i wish things were easier. i wish it was just a matter of being honest with someone and getting honesty in return. i wish that everything was ok. maybe it will be someday. but i guess right now i just have to deal.

(also, i just got into a stupid, ridiculous, middle-of-the-night argument with andy about nothing, which i think escalated mostly because i told him to stop freezing me to death with the door open and the air on. this has been an awesome day, that's for damn sure.)

(also also, this blog did a complete 180 towards the end. sorry guys.)

control freak

a wee bit of whimsy:
i haven't seen jeans in a while. i realize that because i refuse to capitalize (i'm a regular e.e. cummings), you have might have assumed i was talking about the two-legged clothing item. however, jeans, in this case, is a proper name. it's the name karessa and i gave to the man who always stared at us in the weight room at the gym at six in the morning (we thought it was bizarre for him to be so enthralled by us, considering we weren't exactly looking our best at wooden at 6 am). he wore jeans and cowboy boots to work out, and i thought it was very interesting. i thought about him today when i was walking from the shuttle to work, because i saw a campus maintenance truck. jeans worked for campus maintenance, and karessa and i figured that out when we left the gym one morning only to be spied on in the rearview mirror of a maintenance truck. needless to say, we were way surprised to learn that our gym friend was actually a school employee. and were even more terrified to discover that he worked out in his work clothes so that he didn't have to change when he had to clock in. i kinda miss jeans.

last night, the flying squirrel peeps ended up at my apartment, and much hilarity ensued. a simple mathematical equation: funny people = awesome. i had a deep talk with joey, ben and zach about relationships (friendships, romantique, etc.) and what motivates people to have them (normal or not). that was timely and helpful, considering a few hours later, one of my recent relationships came amicably to an end. that's the second time i've done that in the last few months, sorta just let someone go. i hate that, i really do hate that, and if it were up to me, that would never happen, but i guess sometimes, things are beyond my all-consuming control. and that's annoying and sad.

finally!

i am giddy right now. insanely excited. i cannot believe how well the elections went yesterday. i didn't watch any of the news coverage, because i did that in 2004 and ended up crying for five hours as bush slowly won. i'd started to think that the democrats were a broken party because, really, if they couldn't oust bush after the trainwreck of his first term, what could they do? considering this, the election results are amazing. mason told me all about them last night, after most of them had been announced, because i still couldn't bring myself to watch the news. i'm also so glad that mccaskill won in missouri, because now rush limbaugh can actually just shut the fuck up. i guess making fun of people with diseases doesn't win elections anymore.

and i think california's prop 85 (requiring minors to get parental consent for abortions) didn't pass. we've still got arnold, but whatever. at least some of the craziness will now be stopped in washington. and that's what's most important for me.

i just read the results and had to share my joy. more later.

blistered

this morning on the shuttle, some guy felt it was necessary to stand sideways in the aisle of the bus and rest the weight of his backpack on my right shoulder. i have a huge problem with personal space invasions, and i got really irritated, which is really fabulous at 9:30 in the morning. all of my pet peeves involve (mostly) strangers who are incapable of just keeping to themselves. i figure, if i'm able to get through my day without throwing my hair in someone else's face, or sneezing on them, or resting my bag on their body parts, everyone else should be able to as well. it's just a simple consideration that some people seem not to understand.

that being said, i kept doing something really awkward during my human sexuality midterm. a random dude sat right next to me as i was waiting for udeitha to show up, and his knee came up right to the edge of the little fold-down desk i was taking my test on. so, every time i shuffled around to turn a page, i accidentally touched his knee. the first time was a surprise, and then i kept doing it, even though i was making a conscious effort not to. i guess there was no room for me to shuffle around as needed without touching a stranger. to him, i apologize.

jose and i had to get basketball media guides ready to mail today at work. first, we labeled all the giant envelopes, then we stuffed them with media guides, and then we had to seal them all with scotch tape. i went through eight rolls of tape. for some reason, that number doesn't seem to encompass exactly how many envelopes we did, but i have the blistered thumbs to prove it. seriously. i felt like i was in an alternate universe, one where envelopes never stopped being stuffed with media guides and i never stopped having to tape them closed. every time i finished taping about a million of them, and looked back at jose's desk, all satisfied with how much i'd gotten done, and realized that he'd just stuffed a million more, i felt like i was inching closer to insanity. we did them all, though, and i'm strangely proud of that.

i'm jealous of john mayer, because he is, at the very basic level, a really fantastic writer. i've been listening to his new album a lot recently (because i currently only have twenty-two songs on my new computer) and i love his lyrics. and i'm upset that i can't capture life the way i used to.

extra, extra

to borrow from "the shining": all work and no caffeine makes me a tired beast.

the flying squirrel was published today, and we spent about four hours on campus handing copies out to unsuspecting strangers. this issue is way hilarious, and much better than the first one (which i didn't think was possible). i know i've said this more times than anyone wants to hear, but i'm so proud to be a part of this paper. so proud. and, in a really dorky, lame way, it's incredibly fulfilling to have something i made and care about be enjoyed by other people. i exchanged "paperwork" with some guy who was giving away socialist party flyers, and when i looked back and saw him laughing about "illegal animal migration" at his socialist revolutionaries booth, it made me really excited. i also love the guys on the staff, who told me that i should pretty much just expect to get hit on, because "you're a girl at a comedy paper. what do you think?"

our power is being really bizarre. the lights keep flickering on and off, and if i lose this blog, i'm going to be really pissed off. oh good. i just used my limited computer knowledge to switch wireless networks. yes, that is an accomplishment for me. shut up.

i'm feeling really ok right now. udeitha and i had a really deep talk about our insecurities last night when she came over. i told her about my skin struggles, which is something i used to think people needed to know about me to truly understand me, as stupid as that sounds. but even as we were talking about it, i realized how unhealthy it is to totally dwell on what you don't like about yourself. i actually don't want to talk about it anymore, especially now that it won't be a problem for me in a matter of months. there's a big issue with my saying "hi, i had bad skin, and this is what it's done to me." i'm going to keep being honest about it (i mean, it's not really something i can completely hide), but i am not going to be defined by it anymore. because i think that that's what my biggest problem is, defining myself by this idiot skin thing, and not by the positive things i see in myself.

feastmaster

that's the name of the grill at my grandparents' house. it is also exactly what i feel like right now. this is what happens to me when i don't eat anything that satisfies me all day. i graze. i eat a lot of peanut butter and pita and yogurt and drink a lot of soy milk for hours and i feel like a feastmaster. (also, i just happen to adore that picture, and i needed to post it to the world).

i took a (much needed) long nap this afternoon and had a bunch of bizarre dreams involving a ton of people in my life. they were caricatures of themselves, of course, but themselves nonetheless. it's always so interesting to me that dreams reflect real life so perfectly. they exaggerate all the right things, as if to say to you, the dreamer, "this is where the problem is, dumbass." and then it's up to you to listen to your much smarter subconscious, or to continue being a conscious moron.

bright whites

work was insane last night. my supervisor said it was the busiest night he'd ever worked (which i kinda doubt, but it was crazy enough to make him say that). this job has made me appreciate customer service so much more. you really don't realize how stressful and frazzling it is to have to deal with bitchy customers until you actually do. i'm never a fat bitch to sales people in the first place, but now, i feel akin to them.

i have to study for human sexuality at some point today, because the midterm is on tuesday, but i'm restless, so i don't know when that's going to happen.

last night, i was rushing from my dining hall dinner with elona to campus for work, and someone called my name. this someone was an older woman named eunice, who works with me at the museum. i know her pretty well, and it was a little small-worldy to run into her at school, so i stopped to talk to her. she's a very, very interesting person, and after i left her and her husband, i left guilty because i'd been so worried about being late to work that i'd been a little preoccupied during the conversation.

i wish my life was a continual weekend. the weekdays are way intense, and i'm just now starting to not feel exhausted.

those white strips really do taste terrible, but i've only been using them for two days and i can already see a difference. maybe it's all in my head, but my teethies actually do look whiter. it's all part of my self-improvement plan. at the end of last school year, i gave myself a timeline (june of 2007) to fix everything (inside and out) about myself that i don't like, so that i can never say ever again that anything held me back from doing something i wanted to do. because that's bullshit. i guess the more mature way to handle that would be to get over it without having to change myself. my mom would tell me to "get over myself." but change is good sometimes, right? and, at this point, i could definitely use some.

happytown

i stayed up all night talking to steve. i haven't stayed up all night in many, many moons, and it was totally worth it.

i spent an hour in ralph's with andy yesterday, while he looked for the right box of granola and danced around the wines, because in a few days, he'll be able to buy it himself. i bought crest white strips, which taste like ass, and are forcing me to give up coffee/tea. vanity's a bitch.

tonight, i'm going to the dorms to have dinner with elona before i have to go work will call at an event on campus. i haven't seen her in way too long. when she called me last night, i got crazy excited. it sounds like a huge excuse to say that i've been too busy to see anyone, but it's very true. when i'm done with my weekdays, i just want to veg out in the apartment. veg out, or study.

i'm really happy right now. i'm not even pissed off at the prospect of having to walk all around campus tonight, and that's definitely saying something.

because i have to actually leave my apartment today, i have to eventually get cleaned up, and i guess there's no time like the present.

soapbox

one of my many idiosyncracies is that whenever i buy a shitty magazine (e.g. a gossip-y star or a brain-candy glamour), i must also buy at least one legitimate magazine, such as newsweek or time. i just bought both time and newsweek, because i have this disease which has one major symptom: if i'm reading-material-less during a break in classes, i immediately go to the bookstore in ackerman and purchase something. it's bad.

so, i was reading newsweek a little while ago, and came across this picture of a marine, following the double-amputation of his legs. i got so sick just looking at it. i get really bad motion sickness, and can get sick from lots and lots of reading in moving vehicles, but i have never gotten queasy from just looking at a photograph. i really don't understand warmongering. i simply cannot understand why anyone thinks war should be glorified or made to seem heroic. why anyone would assume that that man lost his legs for "the good of the country" is beyond me. whenever i see pictures of people who are wounded or killed in the middle east every day, i'm reminded of a conversation i had with someone i used to know, who said he was all for the war, as long as someone else was fighting it. the problem with that reasoning is that the phantom, convenient someone else isn't fighting it; we all are. it's people our age overseas losing limbs and lives and ending up as tragedies in news magazines. and i guess i don't know why more people aren't totally outraged by this.

i sincerely hope something good happens on november 7.

hapless mess

my toe hurts. a lot. this started last week, around the same that my laptop died. maybe my toe can sense disaster. i tried some crazy home remedy i found online (and that i will tell no one, expect mason, about because it's so disgusting), and it worked for about two days, which was just enough time to trick me into thinking i might not have to make another irritating-as-hell ashe appointment. now, though, it's almost distracting, it hurts so much. plus, i've gotten really good at slamming my toe into every sharp, pointed, metal object in the apartment. i must go back to ashe, and hope that i can get out of there in under four hours.

i feel like i am falling apart. not emotionally or anything - more like i'm a total hapless mess right now. i'm constantly being bombarded with really shitty, annoying things all the time. and that is quite possibly the most shitty, annoying way to be.

not everything is crappy: i did get some long-awaited relationship definition today, and i live for definition (no matter how much i try to pretend like i don't care), so that was exciting. also, i studied when i got back from work this afternoon, even though i was way exhausted from the hours-long flying squirrel meeting and subsequent 3 am study-session last night.

now, i'm gonna eat some apples and read something completely school-free and try to chill out.

what a drag

i woke up this morning on the futon in the living room, and had one of those moments when i had no idea where i was or how i got there. the answer to those questions is relatively tame: i got home from west hollywood at 12:30 am, washed all the glittery eye makeup off my face, screwed around for a little while, and then tried to read a little for my human sexuality class while laying on the futon, which andy told me was a "recipe for disaster." how right he was. i think i honestly read about two words, and then fell asleep. i don't know how i did it, but i ended up waking up at 8:28 this morning, two minutes before the alarm i'd set and left in my room went off. that was lucky.

last night was amazing. we weren't out very long or very late, but it was great. santa monica boulevard, from doheny to la cienega, was completely closed off and full of people in crazy costumes just walking around or dancing or eating from vendors at the sides of the street. we were under the assumption that it was primarily a drag queen thing, but there were a ton of people who weren't in drag and lots of older, middle-aged couples wearing l.l. bean wandering around. it had a way cool vibe too, as if everyone was just having fun and being themselves (which i realize sounds kinda crazy because it was halloween, and lots of people were decidedly not being themselves). i had a really good time, and finally got to wear that ridiculous blue dress. (some drunk guy asked me what color my dress was, and i told him, "shiny," because that's pretty much the only "color" that properly describes it).

udeitha, me and the fanta girls:



it was fabulous.

i ran into kevin today. more specifically, he spied me sitting on kerchkoff patio and walked up and stood right next to where i was sitting. it took me a really long time to acknowledge his presence because i figured it was either someone who was crazed or someone who selling something (religious or otherwise), and i wasn't entirely sure how i was going to handle the situation. i was way relieved to discover that it was someone i actually knew. it's always really nice to see people from home, because i can share the gossip i've collected. we also traded war stories. his were along the lines of, "i was wakeboarding and knee'd myself in the face." mine were more like, "i was minding my own business before i was blindsided by the most awkward encounter i've ever had." my favorite thing about my encounter with kevin, though, was when i talked about how tired i was and how much my eyes hurt (my contacts were dry and it was really sunny) and how insane i probably looked, and he said, "yeah." that was great.

tonight, i have to work from 5 to 8 pm and then go to the flying squirrel meeting, which will last for almost the entire night because we go to press (i love how official that sounds) on friday, and start distributing on monday. this is our last chance to be together as a huge group and make the articles as hilarious as possible. then, when i get home, i have to start studying for the midterm i have on friday. i drank a fat latte this afternoon, and i'm so excited that i'm wide awake now. i guess that's what fifteen shots of espresso will do. mad's been trying to get me to take no-doze and stay up with her for the entire night (she has two midterms tomorrow), but i don't really want to wreck myself if i don't absolutely have to.

i just got a paycheck! that means i only have to work for three more months to help pay off my laptop (barring any other expenses).