i'm a mess

so, good news: the sty is gone.

bad news: it has been replaced by a fever, a headache, a sore throat and pretty yummy nausea. i seriously cannot get a break. i'm going to stay on campus only as long as it takes me to turn in my adolescent development journal review at 3, and then it's off to my bed and, if i can't sleep, some movies.

i hate feeling sick. i hate it more than having a sty or having super dry skin. being sick makes me want to curl up into a little ball and fast-forward through a few days of my life.

on my way home in 30 minutes, i'm going to stop by cvs and buy lots of theraflu and other drugs to keep me feeling quasi-human. i will be able to do this because mad is bringing me my debit card from the apartment (thank you!), which i was going to need to use when i met with joel about the treehouse and forced him to watch me eat something before the flying squirrel meeting. however, as i sat at work for five hours this morning, my slight stomach ache multipled and turned into the abovementioned symptoms, and at this point, all i want to do is lay in the apartment with some tea and try to get better asap. i don't really have anything to get better for, persay, which is good i guess, but i want to spend as little time as possible feeling anything less than 100%.

ugh.

i don't know anyone else who is as much of a mess sometimes as i am.

goddammit

i am currently having the kind of day that makes me want to punch everything i come in contact with. it's not that anything majorly shitty happened. it's a bunch of terrible, stupid little things that have built on each other to make me really irritated. of all the little annoyances that occurred today, the one that makes me the most upset is the fact that i woke up this morning with another sty, in the other eye. this one is much worse and hurts and gave no warning before it attacked. i'm not about to go back to ashe a third time in two and half weeks, especially because i'm now the proud owner of both a bottle and a tube of various antibiotic solutions for eyes, and antibiotics are pretty much all they can do for styes anyway. the reason this new raging sty issue is bothering me to the max (besides, of course, the fact that it's incredibly unpleasant) is that i just got finished doing something awful to my body for five months to stop feeling like a total disgusting beast all the time. and now, my face has found yet another way of ensuring that i won't like the way i look. if i can't get a real pimple anymore, i'll get something that looks exactly like one - in my eye. fuck. that's so irritating.

also, today was going to be the day when i started wearing my contacts again and stopped having to live in a blurry, fuzzy world of craze. apparently not.

hungry bitch

things i've discovered about myself today:

1) being hungry makes me bitchy.

2) i don't know how i survived being hungry all last quarter. i guess maybe being skinnier made me feel ok about being starving. i'm kinda over that.

3) i don't get how sometimes, one person can monopolize an entire sidewalk. how is that possible?

4) the flying squirrel makes wednesdays infinitely better.

5) i'm still not totally in love with myself, and that upsets me.

6) i miss my contacts.

7) i hope something hilarious happens to me today, so i can come home and write about it.

hpv

my grandpa just called me, first to ask me if i'd updated my computer, and then to ask me if i'd gotten the cervical cancer vaccine. that question, of course, led him to make a statement about how he doesn't actually know what my sexual history is, but he hopes that it's limited enough for the vaccine to be effective. sometimes, i can't believe the things i've had to talk to my grandfather about. he has weekly lunches with every doctor i have ever had (with the exception of my fabulous dermatologist, who is the only doctor i've ever sought out on my own and who i dare say is actually my absolute favorite), and i'm almost positive that they violate doctor-patient priviledge at those lunches. the only other way my grandpa could possibly find out so much about my personal life is if my mom told him everything (which is not exactly out of the question). i guess the point is that while i'm really grateful to have a super close family, sometimes there are things i want to keep outside the family circle. things such as birth control and sex.

i'm also a little peeved about it because when he called, i was actually writing something, which i haven't done in around five thousand years. granted, it wasn't a very good something, but i was doing it, and that's what important. now, i can't concentrate on it because i'm all awked out about having to skirt the virginity issue with my grandfather.

foods

i just went "grocery" shopping at cvs, because i was super hungry and only had a few fruit leathers i bought at whole foods this afternoon after my deep talk with udeitha at novel cafe. i'm too lazy to write out the names of the few items i purchased, so i'm going to go way out of my way and create some pictorial representations (i do have a midterm tomorrow that i would like to stop nervously thinking about).











how useless was all that? answer: very.

i'm really full, having stuffed lots of all of those things into my piehole just now. that's foul.

sex through the ages

ok, so i know i just posted, and that this isn't really all that urgent or entertaining, but i was excited to come across "talk sex with sue johanson" as i flipped through channels a little while ago, and wanted to share. i'd stumbled upon ms. johanson and her sex toys once or twice before, when i was a few years younger and thought i was all badass for staying up late and watching oxygen on tv. i stopped thinking i was cool when i actually watched a portion of the show. sue johanson is probably seventy years old, and answers calls about sexual disfunctions, diseases and craziness (example: some woman's boyfriend was trying to coerce her into sleeping with strange men while he watched). she always has a special toy or book to highlight, which she mentions at the beginning of the show, but i've never been able to handle sitting through the phone calls long enough to see her actually address said toys and books. i'm not saying that older people should be totally devoid of sexuality (i did actually learn something in the year-long aging class i took first year). what i'm asking, however, is that sue johanson not go on tv and talk about clitoral stimulation while demonstrating various positions with her blue guy doll and her pink girl doll.

here's sue using an improvised microphone:


she is so out of control. this post is a little out of control, too. in my defense, i did just see that picture in real time, so forgive me.

synthesized

i've gotten super obsessed with the lines i have in my forehead. i guess i could try to never move my face, but i'm always making crazy faces, and i don't think that's something that's going to change anytime soon.

here i am, hating my forehead trenches, making an insane face (to achieve prime wrinkle-age...that's an awesome pun, actually) and looking far too much like my grandma than i would like:


there was a ton of bad, faux-80s music in "music and lyrics," so i bought the soundtrack, of course. i'm currently listening to hugh grant sing along to a synthesizer. it's grand.

on my way to work for the second time today, the weather went from balmy and wonderful to cloudy and freezing. this forced me to buy a large little kid's sweatshirt from ackerman. the kids' stuff is about half the price of the adult clothing, so i'm willing to accept the fact that my super long ape forearms are too long for this sweatshirt's sleeves. i swear, i could run on my knuckles if i wanted to.

also, i'm getting my nose pierced in t-minus fourteen days. i'm only patient enough to wait exactly as many days as i need to for this medication to be totally out of my system. i think my skin should be able to handle it soon, because i'm pretty normalized at this point. i've stopped going through chapstick like it was candy or challah, my eyes aren't dry anymore (if it weren't for the beautiful sty, i'd have already started wearing my contacts again), and i don't feel like my face is in danger of cracking anymore. i honestly cannot believe that i didn't insist on doing this much, much earlier. i missed out on a lot, i think, and that's kinda depressing.

"i'll agree with your diagnosis."

so, yeah, i have a sty. i went to ashe yesterday (because i pretty much live there), and told the doctor what i'd diagnosed myself with, and she said, "i'll agree with your diagnosis." i realize she was kidding, but nevertheless, it was kinda ridiculous to hear a medical doctor confirming my google-image diagnosis. my sty is not the kind that will come to a head on my eyelid, making me look like a terrible zit-eyed monster. that's good. all it's going to do is hurt like a bitch. i got some antibiotic cream and that stuff must be magical, because it's only been about eight hours since i started using it, and my eye feels much, much better.

today has been incredibly lazy thus far. i rolled out of bed, swept the living room, watched mad bake cupcakes, talked to my mom, eventually showered, and then spent the rest of the day in front of the tv/computer/bathroom mirror. i'm about to go meet mad for dinner at a vegetarian restaurant in westwood, and then we're gonna see "music and lyrics," even though there is no way it is nearly as awesome as "when harry met sally." i'm going to wear a dress and sandals, and try to pretend that it is not february. in my defense, it's been really gorgeous here lately.

i have to work tomorrow morning at 7 am, which means that if i want to look human, i'll have to be up at 5:30. that ruins any and all plans for awesomeness tonight. unless, of course, i want to hate my life tomorrow morning.

i'm disgusting

there was supposed to be a big apartment 111 hang out tonight, but mad and andy were busy, so dan and i ended up going out for thai food, and then sneaking into the olive garden without a reservation, so that dan could get dessert half-off (with an employee discount). i also forced him to buy me lots of champagne and white wine, which i was supposed to drink with mad tonight, except that she's still at coffee bean doing physics homework. it's very sad.

i'm super exhausted. this week really drained me of any and all energy i might have had on monday. i don't have class tomorrow, and monday is a holiday, so i'm going to let this weekend act as a kind of detox. until i have my second behavior and learning midterm on tuesday. awesome.

i might also have a sty on my left eye. i have never in my life had a sty. my lower eyelid really hurts and is a little red, and while not very noticeable to anyone else, is making me crazy. i hate when i have weird body issues. i'm too much of a hypochondriac to be ok with stuff like this. plus, isn't a sty something a five-year-old child gets? it's my own fault, because i don't really make a point to wash off my eye makeup like i should. i guess that makes me disgusting, and therefore, at risk for disgusting eyelid infections.

gross.

valentine's day

i spent all day thinking about eating rocky road ice cream and watching “when harry met sally,” and then i actually did those two things (after studying for the midterm i have tomorrow).

in other news, my ice cream was awesome, and so was the movie. i tried to write a little bit, but it just turned into a psuedo-blog entry, so i gave up and just decided to go with it. i kept telling people that my plans for valentine's day included being by myself in the apartment (the roommates were either working or singing or having sex with their significant others in santa monica), studying, watching the best movie in the universe, and gorging myself on chocolate ice cream and baked lays. lots of people thought that that sounded pathetic and sad, which in turn made me sad for them. because they obviously don't understand the tremendous joy that can come from the abovementioned things all practiced in unison. i actually had a pretty great time just now. i haven't been by myself, just hanging out, for a really long time. i drank jasmine tea and flipped through social psychology notecards, and listened to the wind, and continued eating through someone else's loaf of whole grain wheat bread. basically, i think i'm finally ok with being with me, which, so i've heard, is the first step to having a normal relationship with someone else. we shall see. the jury's still out on the normalcy.

i think now it's time to shower and prepare for the last day of the busiest week i've had in a while.

fig newtons

my cousin wes came over last night, which was unexpected and very cool. i cannot believe that we live twenty minutes away from each other, and never see each other. he's hoping to transfer here next year, and is waiting to hear back from all the UCs next month. i hope he gets in, because he seems way in love with this place.

i ate a fig newton last night, and was reminded of a conversation i had with mad a while ago that i forgot to post and probably should have posted. we bought fig newtons because they were supposedly the only cookies that had zero transfat. i say supposedly because food companies are tricky bastards, so i'm sure there's some crazy shit in them regardless of what the packaging says. after eating a couple (and getting over my elementary school fear that they were made of moths), i noticed the box claimed they were "made with real fruit!" i thought it was a little bizarre that they didn't mention what real fruit that was. mad and i sat around for about ten minutes thinking about what types of fruit could possibly be in a newton, until i came to the logical, base answer of "FIGS." good one.

last night, as i was walking to coffee bean to study with mad for approximately twenty minutes, i got stuck behind a bunch of guys who were walking painfully slow. slow walking is one of my most intense pet peeves. it's especially irritating when the slow walkers take up the entire sidewalk. i don't realize how quickly i walk until i'm forced to shuffle weirdly behind a group of meanderers, which immediately puts me in a foul mood. sometimes, when i think about how easily i can get all moody, i start to think i'm a terrible bitch.

not funny or informative

shiza called me this afternoon, and even though she tried to have a serious discussion with me, i just kept laughing at her, because i love talking to her and she cracks me up. she'd called because she figured i was the only person she knew that wasn't going to tell her she was crazy. and she was right. i have a very high tolerance for craze.

i'm proud of myself. i went to my appointment, and everything was perfectly fine and easy. i came home and immediately changed and went for a run, before i could change my mind and decide to eat all day instead. and then, i read for school for a way long time. granted, i still have about ten hours of reading left, but i also have six days to do it all, so i think i might be able to manage it.

also, i succeeded in dyeing my hair exactly the same color is was before, even though i used a completely different brand/dye. it's much like how andy tries to dye his way blonde hair dark brown and just always ends up with blonde hair.

this morning, i bent down in the garage to kiss my dog and slammed my forehead into the corner of a picture frame. i am now the proud owner of corner-shaped forehead gash. such a klutz.

pma

i totally did nothing today, and it was totally fabulous. last night, cory, joey and i stayed up until 6 am working on the final touches for the flying squirrel and the treehouse. by that i mean that joey did the graphics on photoshop and cory formatted the layout of the paper while i repeatedly fell asleep next to him, with my head on the living room table. i spent about two hours thinking about what to write for the single paragraph introduction to the treehouse (the new cultural addition to the squirrel that has earned me the title of "editor"), and only got it all typed out when joey commandeered my computer and forced me to collect myself and get it done. i don't function very well past 3 am, i guess.



this morning, i woke up an hour after my first lecture had started, and then didn't get out of bed to take a shower until it was too late to make it to my second class. i eventually got ready in time for class number three, but instead, mad and i ordered bj's and feasted in the apartment. and now, my plans include trying not to touch any more food for at least three days and watching "now and then" before my dad comes to pick me up. i have the final dermatologist appointment tomorrow, which means i'm going home tonight, and that will further this feeling of complete and utter distraction i have right now. there's a technical term for it. it's called "pma," or, for the layperson, "post-midterm apathy." i'm going to have to figure out a way to shake this soon, though, considering i have two midterms next week and about fifteen chapters to read before then.

just remembered

another work story:

customer: can i buy a ticket for "sunday in the park with george"?
me: that show is completely sold out. it's sold out for the entire run.
customer: so, can i get tickets on wednesday?
me: no, ma'am, that show is completely sold out.
customer: what about saturday?
me: the entire show is sold out.
customer: you mean you don't have a matinee?

agh.

el fin

i took my last little orange pill last night. all day, i found myself planning my food schedule around when i'd be able to take the medication, before realizing that i don't have to worry about that anymore. so, let the normalcy begin. i'm going to be really happy to 1) be able to wear my contacts again, 2) have moisture in my body, 3) be ok with myself. i almost can't believe that this chapter of my life is officially over. i seriously sat staring at the accutane for a few full minutes thinking about incredible it is that it's all over and done with.

that sounds way dramatique, but i guess it has been a pretty dramatic couple of years.

there'll be more later, after i'm done excavating beans out of the bean and cheese burrito i was given at baja, despite the fact that mad told them a thousand times not to put cheese in my food. i wonder how irritating stuff like that would be if one were lactose intolerant, and not just animal-product intolerant, like i am.

he-that-shall-not-be-named

last night, i met up with mad after work, and we went to pinkberry, a horribly overrated frozen yogurt place that just opened in westwood. we stood in line behind this tween girl (westwood is a mecca for twelve-year-olds in leggings) who was seriously the least subtle spy i've ever encountered. she stared us down for five minutes, totally listening to everything we said. she eventually left the line after telling her mom that it's "never this busy in beverly hills."

this is what happened when we got home (and after we drank some terrible flavored vodka):





then, he-that-shall-not-be-named came over and hung out with mad and i had to stop myself several times from referring to him by his last name, which is what we do when he's not in our apartment.

i didn't go to sleep until 3:30. i woke up at 5:30 to andy's fire-alarm clock radio, which is hysterical (read: irritating) because andy is gone for the weekend. i wondered in my half-sleep if dan was still alive, considering i had been blasted by the sound of the alarm clock from behind the protection of a couple doors, and he was sleeping like a baby right next to it. i accidentally woke mad up at 5:35 when i came back into our room, and forced her to talk to me for fifteen minutes. and then i got up again at 8:30 to come to work. i'm not all that tired right now, but i'm waiting for the giant blanket of exhaustion to fall over me. my plan is to go to sleep super early tonight, not only to prepare myself for my 8 am discussion tomorrow, but also to get ready for the entire week, because it's going to be crazy.

i'm usually really bad with birthday presents, which makes me sad because even if i feel like i totally know a person, i have absolutely no clue what to get them. this means my friends get gag gifts most of the time, things that remind me of them and make me laugh. (this does not necessarily mean they enjoy them. this was evidenced to me when i got weil a "princess mrs. potato head" for his birthday, and he didn't appreciate it at all). however, i know exactly what to get udeitha for her birthday on saturday and that makes me really excited.

preschool

i'm eating granola right now. plain granola. i'm just shoveling oats into my face, which i guess is better than eating the oreos mad and i bought last weekend when we went on an emergency food run to cvs.

i am also dreading walking back to freud to work again.

on the way to work earlier today (i'm currently wasting away my four hour break between events), i was accosted by both a fourteen-year-old skateboarder and a skeevy old man. when that happens, i know i'm really looking good.

andy and i got in a stupid fight last night, which resulted in him turtle-biting* me on the arm, leaving insta-bruises, and me hitting him in the face (simply because i know he thinks that that is totally disrespectful and i wanted to piss him off). i also hid his beloved pasta behind the plastic bags in a drawer in the kitchen, because i'm way mature.**

it was beautiful outside this afternoon, but now it's all cold and winter-y, and i'm really not looking forward to walking around in the artic tonight.


*a turtle-bite is possibly one of the world's most deadly forms of pinching, and may only be used on sworn enemies or siblings.

**this post is going to make you think i'm a preschooler, which, sadly, would not be very far from the truth.

the first

it's february! when i think back on new year's eve, it doesn't feel like a month has gone by. on the flip side, though, so much shit has happened since then that it seems totally appropriate for it to be forever ago.

i cancelled my match.com free trial today, before it could roll over to a $40 subscription. it was very sad, but also very wise, i think.

i had to go back to the tropics today, for my behavior lecture. it was so humid and so foul in there.

mad and i sat in our room for an hour today, listening to massive attack's "teardrop" on repeat and trying to pronounce all the english words in that song as if they were in another language, much like the singer does. i also drank many mugs of jasmine tea, which i love because it makes me smell like flowers.

today, on my way back from class, i ran into lisa, who i don't think i've seen for three or four years. in fact, i don't think i've seen her since junior year in high school, when i had to plan prom and she was nominated for the prom court (what a nice little example of how high school was). actually, that's not true. i saw her on third street in santa monica last year when she was singing there on a friday night. but, i digress: i guess the point is that it was way random and strange to see her on campus, considering she's doesn't go here, and it's always weird to see people from home in the big bad world outside the suburbs.