sadtown

i'm multitasking: i'm watching some stupid mtv show and trying to figure out how i feel right now. i was totally humiliated by my mother today at the democratic "garden party" (which was actually held inside). i guess i probably should have figured it out when she surprised me with those tickets, because in the past, she has never forced me to go to these things without talking to me first. i also probably should have noticed that something was amiss when she said "that guy will be there." "that guy" happens to be a twenty-seven-year-old engineer from san diego, whose mother is my mom's fellow democratic-cluber. my mom told me about this woman's plan to set me up with him, sight-unseen, about five months ago. i'd completely forgot about it. until today. i'd made it through three hours of garden party, and stolen three anti-bush pins and a hanging potted plant, and was about to leave with my grandparents when this woman ambushed me and asked me who i was, using my full name. "that's great," she said, "because i've been trying to set you up with my son for months." this woman could not have been any more out of control. she made me wait until her son came out of the bathroom (he was probably hiding) and then said to him, "this is her! we thought she would be perfect for you."

i have never in my life been so embarassed. this guy and i made bizarre small talk for about ten minutes before my mom came and rescued me. i think it was bad for me not because i don't like talking to new people, because (obviously) i love talking, but i was really upset that i was put in the "relationship" spotlight when i feel absolutely terrible about myself. i mean, really, the last thing i want to do right now is be shopped out to strangers to see how much they can not be attracted to me. it's just awful.

i'm not attempting a relationship until i'm done with this crap. it's pretty much impossible for me to consider anything until i feel better. there's a definite correlation between the end of my last "real", healthy relationship and the beginning of the skin issue. if i don't feel good enough, there is totally no way i'm going to be anything but a relationship saboteur.

i'm debating going to lunch with the ex-boyfriend, mainly just to see if there can be any normalcy in our relationship, despite all the things he's said to me over the course of our five-year saga. i think i really am happy for him, and i want him to know that. maybe my meeting his current girlfriend-fiancee will be a good way to prove to him that he does in fact have a girlfriend-fiancee and there are certain things he can't say anymore.