gauzy

ever since i was little, i knew i'd never be a doctor. i hate blood and guts and needles. i like to say that for all i care, my insides are made of candy. that's good enough for me. unfortunately for me, though, my insides may actually be candy, because i have really small, nearly invisible, impenetrable veins. i had to get blood drawn this morning to prepare for my dermatologist appointment on friday, and every time i go for blood tests, the experience gets worse. there's an older british woman, who is kinda like the mother hen of the hypodermic needle-wielding crew of nurses, and she is the only person i ever want to touch me. all of the newbies, i soon figured out, only stick me lots of times and never actually get anything accomplished, except for making me way sick and dizzy. today, she saw me, and i swear i could tell what she was thinking: "oh shit, she's back." she even asked me how many more accutane prescriptions i'm going to need. i bet my answer (four) was probably not what she wanted to hear. and then she started poking around for veins, which is when the fun always begins. she stuck me in my left arm, even though i warned her not to, and then i immediately started bleeding and bruising and she dripped my own blood all over my arm. yum. next, she tried my right wrist, to no avail, before finally settling on the inside of my right elbow. by the time she was done, i was surrounded by four or five of the other nurses, a few of whom had to help her wrangle my vein into the right position. i was so sick, i thought i was going to pass out. i don't understand how people can do that all the time. maybe it's not so bad when you aren't the patient.

by the time i left, twenty-five minutes after i sat down in the "drawing station", i had both elbows and my right wrist wrapped in gauze bandages. i asked them, as a joke, if i could maybe get another bandage on my perfectly fine left wrist, just so i could match. instantly, one of the nurses took the bandage off my left elbow and put a band-aid on instead. i guess they figured it's bad for business to send people out with enough bright-colored bandages to make a fashion statement.

i'm now in the process of devouring a baja burrito partially because i had to fast before the blood test (not a big deal), but mostly because i need to sooth myself after such a harrowing experience. i'm five.