august!

it's august! i'm sure i've had this revelation before, but when i think back to previous months, to december and new year's eve and all these crazy things i allowed myself to be a part of, i cannot believe i'm come as far as i have, and have the life i have right now. that's not at all meant to imply i was a drug addict or a prostitute or something equally heinous and seemingly insurmountable (and if i was, you'd probably know about it). i just progressed, i think. i credit the accutane with that, because, as vain and terrible as it sounds, getting rid of my terrible skin problems allowed me to take serious inventory of my life and what i was letting happen to me, self-inflicted or not. this year, the beginning of each month has been almost like the start of a new year, and on the first, i can mark yet another month that i've put between me and the enormous fool i used to be. granted, i'm not totally fantastic, i'm not all put together, but i can go out without hiding behind make-up, i can let someone amazing love me, i can finally decide who i want in my life and who i don't. i'm proud of that. it may be difficult to understand, but i'd be willing to bet that many people have had something happen to them that shaped them negatively for a long time - and they'll know how amazing it feels to have it define their lives positively for a change.

also, rent is due today, so i have to come to terms with the fact that the massive bank account i've created will be destroyed when i write the check.