sloppy

yesterday, i talked to gilmore for a little while, and he said, "you're not like a girl in all the bad ways," which could be taken two very distinctly different ways. apparently, after i grilled him for clarification, he meant that i'm female in all the good ways, which is the only acceptable answer. he said he meant that i don't care about giggling and shoes, and that almost makes me sound like i'm really sloppy all the time, and i tell you that if that's true, it's unintentional. yes, sadly, this is what i look like when i'm actually trying. my conversation with gilmore reminded me of an exchange i had with my grandma's close friend at jonathan's bar mitzvah. it went something like this:

joanie: oh, your hair's so short! i love it! who cut it?
me: my boyfriend did, actually. he's available for appointments if you're interested.
joanie: you and your mom are just the same. you don't really care about all that, do you?
me: you are a master at the backhanded compliment, joanie. please go sit far away.*

now, joanie loved my hair. she had no problem with the actual product, but, being the kind of woman is very concerned with appearances, she couldn't understand how i could have allowed a non-professional to cut my hair, or how my mom hasn't had botox (not that she needs it - she's going to look much younger than she is for her entire life, because she kept all her skin pigmentation to herself and didn't give me any). i guess i don't really care. i can't bring myself to spend so much time on myself. that's probably because it would take a long, long time to make me glamorous.



*i didn't say that.

pill popper

i took two tylenol an hour ago, and i still have a splitting headache. so, i'm keeping myself busy thinking about how i'm going to force my dad to take me to in n out on the way home. something about french fries seems really, really appealing right now.

i'm going home this weekend for jonathan's bar mitzvah, and i'm using this opportunity to take home some of my crap, hopefully making the whole moving out ordeal less painful. i spent the afternoon watching andy take apart the giant useless black ikea bookshelf that had been taking up space on the far wall of the apartment, and also reading a little, cleaning out my closet, and trying desperately to get rid of this headache. i'm such a whiny bitch.

i don't know where my dad is, but i hope he knows that his being late is severely hampering my throwing greasy potatoes into my face, and that that is very upsetting to me.

i'm a craigslist bigot

for those of you who don't know (namely, everyone), i am now on birth control. announcing this doesn't embarrass me as much as i thought it would because i am not, surprisingly, five years old about everything. i'm making this declaration now because i absolutely must bitch about the side effects. i must. and i can't very well list all of the annoying things that are happening to my body without giving it a context because then everyone will think i have some terrible contagious disease (i don't). i've already mentioned that my lower back is throbbing, but i haven't yet shared that the lymph nodes in my neck have been so swollen for a week and half that i've been popping cold-eeze zinc tablets every hour and that my entire body sometimes flares up, leaving me with a giant fever. i spent several hours yesterday languishing in bed (because feeling crappy makes me more depressed than anything else), and being waited on by someone who already does far, far too much of that.

i'm currently trying to find a subletter for my room beginning in july, and i swear to god, people make me crazy. i have thirty-year-old men sending me emails about wanting to room with me and girls demanding that they get their own rooms, and i want to reply simply with, "read the goddamn post, please." if they did, in fact, read the post they would see that it clearly states that i want a female roommate (even though gender requests are a big, prejudiced no-no on craigslist) and that the room must be shared, lest i have nowhere to live. i get really frustrated with people sometimes.

i went to see "wicked" with luke and his mom on tuesday night, and andy told me if i came home signing the songs over and over, he'd punch me. he's lucky i don't sing out loud because he'd want to punch me. i've had the soundtrack to that musical playing on a loop in my braincase for nearly 48 hours, and even listening to the few songs i bought off of itunes (again, because i buy all my music, because my father is all about truth and righteousness) hasn't helped shake them from my mind. i don't really mind, though, because i had a really good time, and it never hurts to be reminded of fabulous times.

a good thing about feeling like your entire body is energy-less is that you don't want to eat. i haven't wanted to eat all day. maybe it's because i've already retained enough water to make me bloated and fat for the rest of my life.

1 800 fuck off

i spent the whole weekend with people i love, and i'm beaming about that. i'm also really, really tired and my lower back hurts really badly. i guess i'm too old to run around with ten-year-old girls shrieking like a craze. on saturday, at sam's graduation party, i whined to my grandma about not having an upper lip, to which she responded, "oh, you have one! it's just really thin." nice.

today was my second day at the chocolate factory, and i can still smell the caramel on my hands. i think i'm really going to love that place. there are so many worse things than smelling like caramel apples and melted chocolate.

on sunday, i took clay and sam to best buy and added many movies to my collection. i suddenly felt that i was missing some really spectacular important films, and thus, i bought about seven of them. clay and i stayed up late watching "tommy boy," which is, to this day, one of the most hysterical things i've ever seen.

my back really hurts. i wonder what that is.

some 800 number keeps calling me, at least once a day, and not leaving a message, which is super irritating and makes me want to throttle whoever it is. this has been going on for about two and a half weeks, and you'd think whoever it is would eventually figure out that i'm a) not going to answer their random phone call, and b) not going to call them back. it reminds me of last summer, when i submitted an online application, out of desperation, to be a salesperson, without knowing what i would be selling. when i found out i was going to selling knives, in ventura, i decided against going in for my interview, and some poor secretary called me and left the exact same message for me for about a month before giving up. she must have had a fat list to go through every day, because there is no way she could have willingly or knowingly left so many of the same messages for the same person. sad.

yipee! hurray! hahahaha!

i'm home! it's just for the weekend, but i'm home! and done with finals! and about to switch apartments so i can live somewhere i feel comfortable! yipee! hurray! hahahaha! (i wish i was will ferrell in zoolander, dressed up as little cletus, laughing and licking a lollipop. that's how happy i am. if you have no idea what the hell i'm talking about, you should watch that movie immediately.)

i went to sam's graduation last night, and successfully avoided everyone i didn't want to see. i ran into gilmore, which was a fantastic surprise, as i love him very much and miss him when we're at school. ah, good friends. clay and i were freezing, because the temperature dropped about ten thousand degrees toward the end of the ceremony, and we tried to share a single windbreaker, which was hilarious until he was a man about it and let me just take it. he's such a gentleman.

my mom and my aunt made special posters for sam and my cousin, who both graduated this week and who will both be at a joint party they're throwing at my house this afternoon, and the posters are really nice, and adorable, and thoughtful. i was looking at them last night, marveling in their adorableness, and i realized that "congratulations" was spelled "congratualtions" on one of them. and, because i have the loudest mouth in the universe, i told my mom, who is now obsessed with how her posters aren't totally perfect. oops.

i'm going to go shower, and begin the slow ascent into being ready for the day.

test anxiety

my neck hurts. not my throat - my neck. i make this clarification lest anyone suspect i'm getting sick, which is absolutely not true and must be absolutely untrue because if i were, by some terrible twist of fate, to get ill before this weekend, i would have a panic attack and cry a lot, i think.

i have another final today, at 11:30, but true to form, i'm not looking at the material anymore because it will freak me out. no one really understands why i can't/don't use all the many hours leading up to a test to study for it, but it's a little jedi mind trick i must use on myself to keep myself calm. my stress level is way high right before tests, and stress doesn't make it any easier to retain information. therefore, i end up looking at the information and not being able to process it, making it even more stressful to know that i'm about to be tested on it. so, instead, i'm listening to eric clapton, and denying my urges to shovel baked lays into my face.

last night, i had a bunch of really fulfilling dreams, almost as if my subconscious knew exactly what i needed and totally delivered for me. thank you, subconscious.

pfa*

right now, i should be studying for the final i have at 3. the operative word in that last sentence is "should." i am not studying for the final i have at 3, at least not at the moment. bear in mind that i have studied and that i probably will study before i have to leave the apartment to go take the goddamn test, but right this instant, i am silently boycotting being tested for a class in which i don't feel i've learned anything worthy of testing. true, i've learned a little and have definitely concocted ways to use this new insight to change things in my own life, but i really don't feel like i've been given enough information to warrant a final. thus, my plan is to sit around and wait for it to happen and see how well i can do. this isn't about how lazy i am (although i definitely am lazy), because i'm really excited to take my other finals. this particular case is one of my terribly ill-advised protests that, in the end, don't get any point across except that i'm not allowed to shop at kohl's or eat at mcdonalds or get an A in a class that should pretty easy. i recognize this. however, it's finals week of spring quarter and i shouldn't be expected to care.


*this is a new disease, discovered by andy, that joins the ranks of such gems as "pma, post-midterm apathy." this new ailment is "pre-final apathy," and i'm currently contagious.

revelations

1) i need to get my cat stevens back from my dad. i miss him very much.

2) i need to move out of my apartment.

3) i need to be done with finals. actually, i need to start finals. i need to be able to say that i'm on my way to sanity.

4) i need something beautiful to happen today.

senor rico the second

i just ate an entire cup of senor rico's, purchased at a ralph's in k-town for fifty-one cents less than i would have paid at cvs. yipee! speaking of k-town, i'm so incredibly grateful that i have somewhere i can go to feel absolutely content and comfortable, especially because that's becoming less and less possible where i actually live. also, the company in my little escape is fantastic and he knows that.

while i was inhaling the rice pudding just now, i was also drinking a tall can of starbucks iced coffee, which i'm hoping will help me focus and concentrate on the human motivation i want to study tonight. i don't necessarily have to study it tonight, but i think it would make me feel better about myself and about life in general to get some work done. god, i want it to be six days from now, and i want to be home at sam's graduation party, and i want to be showing off my new favorite person. i hate that i have to get through four finals before i can do that.

ok, time to work. work, work, work. disgusting.

senor rico

i went to campus without any money this morning, and so, all i fantasized about all day long was some of senor rico's rice pudding, a delicious treat i discovered at cvs a long time ago, and i practically ran out to the store this afternoon, after i'd showered and done my laundry (two very, very important hygiene concerns i'd had for a while). i was so excited for rico. so excited. classically, there was zero rice pudding to be found. i was way disappointed, and ended up buying a shitload of other terrible foods to help me through finals week.

i've had a pretty insane week, but will not discuss it because it's hugely not worth it, but let's suffice to say that the craziness has forced me to eat a lukewarm tapioca snack pack, even though it's produced by conagra foods, which i've been trying to silently boycott for five years, since i read "fast food nation." i need to sooth my soul, and this crap is the closest thing to rice pudding i could find at the drugstore. have i mentioned that i'm disgusting? do i need to?

today, we distributed the squirrel for the last time this year, and i was approached by a really interesting character with an accent who commented on the fact that my black bra was hanging out of my red shirt (i'd left the house this morning pretending that maybe no one would notice), and who asked me if i like "the pick up," which joel and i interpreted, after this guy asked me what kind of girlfriend i'd be, to mean, "do you like getting hit on by total strangers who use really vague, round-about ways of expressing interest, and who enjoy the occasional berating of those who very nicely decline your offer for 'pick ups'?" it's a shame that he did, in fact, end up calling me "strange" and walking away shaking his head like i was some alien creature for not taking him very seriously. if he hadn't gotten frustrated with me so quickly, i would have been able to tell him that yes, i do indeed like getting hit on by total strangers who blah blah blah, and i would have asked, can i please blog about you? as it is, now i have to do it without his permission. sad.

retraction

*it was a quart of jamoca almond fudge. and it's almost gone.

jamoca almond fudge

i'm writing on my new computer, because my dad finally brought it down for me last night. it's beautiful and will be cared for very much. however, something hugely frustrating happened when i tried to access all the music i've purchased from itunes (yes, i buy all my music, because my father is dr. law). apparently, i've already "authorized" five computers to play music i've purchased, and this new computer can't be ok'd. and, because i'm a genius, i just charged my ipod on this laptop, meaning that i lost all the songs i could have tried to salvage. annoying. i'll have to wait until i'm not so tired before i try to figure out how to fix that.

my second neuroscience midterm is officially the only one that i didn't totally rock. (i'm really modest.) and i really didn't rock it. this quarter needs to be over, and i need to have summer and all that that implies.

so, i just decided that straightening my hair in the middle of the night is much more pressing than trying to produce anything intelligible right now. also, i need to get up and put the pint of ice cream i've been working on all night back into the freezer.