today tastes like chapstick and cake

last night, i had a dream about every person i care about. waking up, i realized that i must have subconsciously just run down an imaginary list or something, because everyone had a role. some of those people aren't in my life anymore, and i miss them. dreams are amazing to me because for a few hours in the middle of the night, you can really truly feel like you are surrounded by people you can't see during the day. that's kinda comforting.

today was a wasted day in that i didn't scale any mountains or fight any crimes or solve any problems. i didn't do ANYTHING really. i was trapped at home without a car, and i was trapped in my room in an effort to avoid the cleaning woman my mom hired to clean the house while she went to work. i don't think there is anything more humiliating and awkward than hanging around my house while someone else cleans it. it's terrible. my mom doesn't like it either, but i think she's tricked herself into thinking that this woman relies on the income we provide, which probably isn't true. whatever. let's suffice to say that i spent almost the entire day in my pajamas, alternately watching tv and reading books.

i say "books" because even though i have a virtual library of novels in my room, i absolutely could not choose one i had any desire to read today. i'm restless. i didn't want to just stay here all day, but the prospect of making myself look any less than hideous is far too much to ask. i did eventually get dressed, but only when i had to help my mom load the car with the rented tables we didn't use at the anniversary party.

at one point today, i checked my email, and found out from andy that i have to pay next month's rent for the apartment by this friday. i can't believe it's already the end of august. my brothers go back to school on wednesday, and then i'll really be bored out of my mind. sam shared in my laziness for about an hour, and we caught the tail end of "true lies" on tv.

i don't think this refusal to do anything is a sign of failing mental health. true, the accutane pamphlet warns that "lack of interest in once-loved activities" (like leaving my house) is a sign of impending depression, but i'm not self-important enough to think that just because i sat around and ate pita bread all day, i have a serious illness. still, i'm a little nervous about the physical effects the medication is having already. i can't wear my contacts because my eyes are too dry. also, today, i noticed for the first time that my face is peeling, and my lips are always dry. always. i'm also getting headaches daily (another side effect), but i don't want to tell my doctor (like he told me to) because the last thing i need is to have the rug pulled out from under me again. getting this drug has been a three-year odyssey, so i figure i can handle five months of scaly lizard skin and mild migraines and glasses. oh, i'm gonna be gorgeous.

i'm going for a run tonight because i must do something with myself before i go to sleep.