you wouldn't know it, but i'm actually happy

i realized last night that i don't have enough control over my senses (or my sanity) to be a driver in los angeles. totally foul traffic is one thing, but the sheer number of idiots behind the wheel in this city is really shocking. true, i'm stupid too sometimes, but i blame that on my attention being diverted in six million directions, as i try not to be killed by someone else's crazy maneuvers. last night, i witnessed some guy cut across two lanes of oncoming traffic to make a right turn into a lane moving in the opposite direction. granted, i don't think this was his first intention - i think it was the byproduct of his realization that he could not, in fact, turn into the cars filling up the only lanes legally open to him. goddamn. i hate that i'm becoming one of them. i find myself doing stupid, defensive things in the car, simply to keep from being completely ignored and taken out. it's difficult to know that there's another driver watching me and thinking what i think at least five times every time i get into my car, which is, namely, "what a cock." i'm sorry, other drivers. it's your fault too.

i had four midterms this week (this is officially the last time i'll be able to use that excuse to get some pity), and it's been two days, and i am still fried. i slept many hours every night, and didn't pump myself full of adderall and red bull, but even so, just the stress and pressure of having so much shit to do all the time is bad for me (and anyone, for that matter). it's not healthy. for instance, right now, my neck and upper back are cramping and i'm exhausted, and all i've done thus far today is crochet, watch tv online and worry about the elementary school kids i'll have to collect research data about today, by myself. oh, and i've eaten a few junior mints, and i straightened my bangs. i guess that is pretty strenuous.

i want time to stop. i'd like to have time to myself, time when i'm not too wiped out to do anything but veg out and lay around. i guess maybe i could try to cook up some motivation. like i said, it's not like i'm working on the railroad. however, i will argue that mental strain can be just as tiresome. as the commercials say, depression hurts.*



*that is not to say that i'm depressed. it was a sick ploy on my part to get you to understand how my brain's exhaustion could make my body sleepy. see what i did there?