computer lab deep thoughts

i've become a vicious beast. a vicious beast who chooses her friendships wisely and refuses to buy into the bullshit of people she's learned will try to hurt her. that sounds pretentious, i know, but i'm just that emotionally evolved right now. i think that the last year of my life has been really good for me, because it's allowed me to grow up in many ways i think i was refusing to for far too long. i refused to get over the things i didn't like about myself because it's almost comforting to know that you're in charge how you project yourself, to a certain extent. i didn't have to take full responsibility for the situations i allowed myself to get into because there was always the convenient "i'm sad and damaged" angle to play. i didn't have to acknowledge that i was being a dumbass - it's much easier to blame your low self-esteem than to take some sort of action and stand up for yourself. i feel like i'm doing that now, and that's so refreshing. i've gotten much, much better at figuring out what i need and what i want, and at knowing how to get those things and keep them cared for and close. thus, when someone does something that would have elicited certain feelings from the old me (namely, feelings of guilt and responsibility when i am clearly not guilty or responsible), i get over it and attribute those issues to the people doing the finger-pointing. i know that that sounds like another kind of psychological coping, but generally, i've found that it's both unhealthy and unnecessary to spend your life feeling guilty and responsible for the problems of people who couldn't care less about you. sometimes, it's every man for himself, and right now, that's where i am. maybe that's selfish and terrible and makes me a shitty person, but i think i warned you all about those personality traits at the very beginning of this post, when i labelled myself a "vicious beast."